Dear Charlie…

No…I have not fallen and can’t get up. Well…not AGAIN anyway!

I am, however, stumbling about in this Museum of Art & Oddities, trying to make order out of chaos, and gradually making some progress as I adjust to the silence of life without Wilson. Nobody can quite describe what it’s like to have the focus of your every waking moment disappear from one instant to the next… replaced by memories that present themselves in tender reflection…or with unexpected hilarity. But those are the vagaries of the mind. Disorderly & unpredictable. I welcome the funny, endure the tearful and sometimes am gutted by a deep, cavernous longing that nearly brings me to my knees. I’m reminded of a short period a couple of years ago when my doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for me. I thought it was going to make me feel better, but within a few weeks I was way WORSE. So I stopped taking them. One day I raced away from Wilson to hide n the bathroom, muffling my sobs into a towel.
“Are you okay in there?” Rena knocked & cracked the door open slightly. I waved her inside, where she was surprised to find me grinning, with tears streaming down my face.

“Oh I’ll be fine…now” I said. “Now that I have my FEELINGS back”

I was miserable without them. I wasn’t exactly depressed…but neither was I ever exactly happy. I’d been stranded somewhere in an empty field where there were no feelings at all. TORTURE! I missed them. ALL of them. Feeling nothing was no comfort to me.

So I’m here in this unnatural solitude, jabbering on Facebook or Twitter, sometimes answering the phone…often wondering where the hell my PERSONALITY went? Grieving isn’t linear. The ups & downs have no pattern…no formula…time has taken me on this journey without a roadmap. I have no idea where I am in this moment…I’m not always in the driver’s seat. But looking back over these months I do know I’m making some progress. I’m just not entirely certain of my exact LOCATION right now.
The kindness & tech expertise of Zac Weinberg – clear over in Massachusetts – has reinstated the PayPal button, and made it possible to finally download photos on here again! Son of Jeffrey, Bookseller and publisher of  a new book of illustrated letters from Wilson to Charlie Plymel – father & son got together today and solved these problems I was incapable of fixing for over eight months in under one HOUR. I am beyond grateful…I’m overjoyed! A soft-cover edition of this fabulous book will be available soon, at a lower price, so more people will be able to afford to enjoy the fabulosity of Wilson’s prose. He was an inventive master of correspondence. This book will make you wish you’d had him for YOUR pen pal, too. He loved SNAIL-MAIL. He began every morning with a cup of tea, some World Music, putting pen & wit to paper. His workday didn’t really commence until after he’d bounced down to the corner mailbox & sent his jaunty anecdotes off to some lucky recipients. It was his way of “warming up” for a day of drawing. I’ll add a photo here just as soon as I can figure it out!
Thanks for looking in on me. I’ll write again soon & share photos as I find them. Thank you to those who donate to the Trust! It still exists, and the needs are very much the same only a bit worse without Wilson’s Social Security checks. I’m barely able to afford WiFi without your kind donations, much less the telephone or shocking dental issues! My dentist quit after making off with the money I paid in advance, leaving me in the lockdown with what I SWEAR are somebody ELSE’S TEETH….so I’m concealing a shocking secret behind my COVID mask until I can find a new dentist with a creative solution to my PURÉED DIET. This is terrible for a Laughing Girl such as myself! Once COVID is over I’ll have to switch to hiding demurely behind a lace fan until I can afford to start over.

Be safe & stay well out there, all you lovelies!

King Neptune & his bride

Wilson would have turned 80 today. I’m taking him down to the Bay, where I plan to launch him off the end of the dock at a friend’s bar. Something I’m surprised hadn’t already happened to him before, when he was alive!

Ill write more about the ceremonies taking place across the country all the way to France, in the coming week, after I can get someone here to fix this website & PayPal button. I want to include some pictures for you!

I think he’d have approved. He always did so love a birthday celebration..especially his own. I am so sorry he missed this one, but he’s gone off to see the world…a pirate in search of adventure. He must wait for his mermaid Queen to join him at a later date…he will, as always, have exciting stories to tell me…..

Until that time, I carry him gently in my heart.

Hi there friends…..

I’m sorry I haven’t written more. I can’t seem to download new pictures,so it’s hampered my ability to produce more content. I like to put pictures with my stories! And this one is about the DONATE BUTTON.

NOW PAYPAL has a new BUTTON CODE. So if you try to DONATE to me…and I do need this help…..PayPal says this account is DEACTIVATED!

NO! It’s not! But the BUTTON is an old code! I will try to see if my neighbor can help me fix it with the new code PayPal has emailed to me.

STAY TUNED! I’ll be back, and appreciate every single person who helped us for the 12 years I was taking care of my darling Wilson. You are all CHAMPIONS.
I miss him more every day. Anyone who says TIME heals all forgot to mention the ebb & flow of such a loss. Time, in this case, could be infinite. I’ve been struggling with it more as his birthday approaches…..

But I’m trying to snap out of it. I just started working with a Physical Therapist, and hope to become more ambulatory in the coming months.

I’ll fix this Donate button later today or HEADS WILL ROLL!

Love ye all.

It’s a nice day for…

I want to thank everyone who has been so generous since Wilson’s passing, and for all the kind condolences & cards. I had only just been locked out of my email address weeks before Wilson passed… I lost the password right before my old iPad died! I have no idea who’s written to me, and since it’s still active it looks like I received your emails. I haven’t, I promise! It probably looks like I’m so rude I’m not bothering to reply, which has driven me mad. Please comment on here, and I’ll write back to you from my new email address. I’ve lost all my contacts of 30 years at that address. What absolutely perverse timing!

It has been two months now, and I think I’m still in a state of shock. Tomorrow I’ll contact GoDaddy and find out why I still can’t download pictures here. I spoke with them for nearly an hour last week, to iron all this out, but it still won’t work! I have some beautiful pictures I took of Wilson just two days before he passed which I’d love to share with you.

I’ll come back when I’ve fixed this, and post a whole series of new photos. I hope you’re all well and getting vaccinated! We must try to reach immunity and get back to a semblance of normalcy.

Again, thank you for your generosity and for checking in. This loss has shaken me to my core, so the comments on Facebook, Instagram & Twitter have kept me going during what seems like a terrible dream from which I cannot awaken. My beautiful family of friends & neighbors and my tiny actual family have all been so kind while I flounder around in search of my footing, rambling around  this place filled to the brim with memories & collections of Wilson’s…but I’d prefer his presence far more than his things! It will take time. Sometimes I’m merely tiptoeing in the shallows of this grief….then suddenly I’m launched into the deep end, and it seems I must learn to swim all over again. I know I can do this….. ♥️

I’m so sorry to tell you that my darling Wilson died in my arms on Sunday afternoon, at 4pm. I’d played Muddy Waters, Howlin Wolf & John Lee Hooker on YouTube for him all morning, then switched to Gyuto Monks chanting for Freedom at the Top of the World…he always loved that Tuvan Throat singing….I placed little solar lanterns on the bed as it got dark out…just party lights over the mantle…..he loved their soft glow…”we all need better lighting as we grow old, right,darling?” I’d laughed with him about that only the night before and he winked. I hadn’t heard his voice for two days, but he agreed with a tiny smirk.

I had promised I’d take care of him, protect him, and keep him safe. He trusted me to keep him alive for 12 years and I did that until it was truly time for him to go. He looked beautiful and at peace…he grew cold, and I raised the quilt up under his chin with his trusty smiling toy giraffe, Mambo, lying with his face right next to his, under the covers. I kept sitting with him and talking to him until they came at 8pm to collect him. A new carer, Stephanie, helped move the bookshelf & portfolios from the long hallway so they could take him out lying down, serenely. I was horrified at the thought they might have to strap him onto that firemen’s chair, bolt upright, weaving past that stuff and bumping down the five steps, to the sidewalk. I didn’t want them to hurt him or bump him……we made a nice wide empty hallway for him to glide through, his whole long length of him relaxed on his journey…

I know this website looked strange for several months, with a “Not Secure” notice…I didn’t know but someone tried to hack it! I was too busy with Wilson’s decline to even check it. But It has been scrubbed & made safe again.
If you feel inclined to donate to the Special Needs Trust again, Wilson’s very crippled Widow would very much appreciate it. I’m grateful for all the years of support you have given to us…you’ve made it possible to afford a phone, cable, WiFi, streaming movies for all these years! We’d have been cut off from the world without your generosity. For that, I thank you. Wilson loved watching movies every day, and at bedtime we always ended by watching a standup comic. He wasn’t able to speak, but he understood what was said, so sometimes he’d holler “Nahhh” and I’d ask “You don’t like this one?” And he’d say “NO” I’d laugh, agreeing with him, and search for another performer. “Pretty funny how you can’t remember how to brush your teeth, but you’re a MOVIE CRITIC and a know it all of all things regarding HUMOR. “Yahhhh” he’d say, self satisfied, meaning “How could it be otherwise?”

I quite agree and concur.

Please look on our Facebook pages for Tributes to him, and add your own. I’ll read them all. They are a great comfort.
I’ll continue to write on here, and hope you’ll check in now & then.

I will never stop loving Wilson. I’m alone in this house with all his things and our long history together. It doesn’t just end. I keep getting up to go check on him….I burst into tears like I’m doing right now. I don’t know how this is properly done..saying good bye…

But you all deserve condolences, too. I’m sorry for YOUR loss as well.

Big Love and gratitude….Lorraine

To view  GALLERY OF DRAWINGS – click on JUNE 2013

Boo!

I have been silent too long, I know. Wilson has had severe lung congestion, but he’s been better the past week, so I feel better, too.He was suffering so much with all the suctioning & I was checking him every hour all night long, giving him oxygen & re-positioning him so he didn’t snore like a freight train & feel like he was drowning. Pretty exhausting for us both, though he’s been so cooperative! I’d take the treatment mask off his face & find him smiling sweetly at me..grateful for the care. Just the most adorable expression!

So far we have been spared the Pandemic, as Rena is very careful, and I’ve not gone anywhere since March 1st! That will change tomorrow when I go to Walgreen’s for a Flu shot! Oh, the horror! I wish I could go there inside a bubble.

We lost our beloved friend, artist David Geiser, suddenly last week. It hit me hard, as he’s been such a great friend by regularly sending pictures of recent works to show Wilson, and calling. He started calling every other week since the shutdown, as things slowed down enough to think about past hijinks with Wilson. I’d hold the phone on speaker, in front of Wilson’s face, while Geiser regaled him with stories in which Wilson was the featured character…his favorite subject… interrupted occasionally by me describing Wilson’s smile, or to notify him that Wilson was trying to put the phone in his mouth. Oh we laughed! David had called only a couple of days before he passed, promising to call back, since Wilson wasn’t available at the moment. I won’t tell Wilson this heartbreaking news. It would be too hard on him, since he can’t speak. There’s no point in making him suffer, unable to express his sorrow or go to a memorial surrounded with friends. So I’m grieving alone. I’ll miss him terribly. He was friends with my former husband, sculptor John Chamberlain as well, and had many exhibitions with him over the years. Oddly a thread of continuity with marriages 35 years apart…a lovely link. He leaves behind his beautiful wife, actress Mercedes Ruehl, and sons Jake & Cameron, all of whom I send my deepest condolences. Rest in color – and Peace, beloved old friend.

I’m going to get about the business of Wilson’s Halloween Tradition today and hang the dead cat & mouse in the front. People knock on the window around this time…when I’m a WEEK LATE as I am this time, yelling “WHERE’S the CAT?” so I better get to it! I’ll post again in a few days to show you. It never gets old!

Please be Well & Safe out there, kiddos, and WEAR A MASK! (Hardly an odd demand on Halloween, but wear a safety barrier under that costume mask, please.)

And VOTE!

I won’t speechify here, but to simply say PLEASE DumpTrump!

By sabeth

Hey Kids….Wilson turns 79 today! For some reason I can’t upload a new photo of him, but here’s this fabulous drawing by his former squeeze, Sabeth. I love this rendition of Wilson & his little “brace of redheads”! I’ll try to figure out what’s gone haywire, and post some pix of the Birthday Boy later.

I need to update you on how he’s doing, but haven’t had the heart this past month. He nearly died on MY birthday, June22….but managed to stick around for that, and for his own, today. For that I am very grateful. He is having trouble now. We feed him puréed food & thickened water, to make swallowing easier. And safer. Anyone who’s ever eaten a meal with Wilson knows what a travesty this is – I’ve never known ANYONE who chews their food as THOROUGHLY as Wilson! Mealtime is almost the ONLY time he’s quiet! You can imagine how feeding him the past nearly two years has been an exercise in Zen Patience. I’d have the next bite ready for what seems like an ETERNITY, while His Majesty was busy chewing. And chewing. And chewing. Oop! Almost. Nope. Still chewing……

Please send him a message, and I’ll read it to him. I’m heartbroken to say this on his birthday….but the Hospice Dr didn’t really need to tell me he hasn’t much time now. I can see it myself. But we are being CHEERY today. It is not a day to talk about dying….although the virus has us thinking about almost nothing ELSE in these past very short six months…..he’s NOT going on his birthday, although with his love of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and coincidences, the irony of that would have given him a wicked chuckle.

I’m not having it! I treasure every one of these last days with him. He still reaches towards my face, touches my hair, and pulls my hand to his lips. He also still grouses if I’ve got some comedy special on Netflix for him that he doesn’t find amusing…or a movie he’s already seen just one too many times. I always hunt for something better…though one time I growled “Seriously? You forgot how to tie your shoes, but you’re still a MOVIE CRITIC?” Of course, he stared at me wide-eyed, as if to say “How could it be otherwise?”

How, indeed! Even in his twilight hours, without being able to speak, S.Clay Wilson ALWAYS has something to say.

Wilson strikes a pose

Thank you, Bryan, for making these shirts and handling the sale & shipping of them. And thank you SO MUCH for donating the proceeds to Wilson’s Trust! This generous donation has made it possible to keep going this winter. We are stunned and grateful for your tireless effort. People love their shirts, as do we.  Thank you thank you thank you!

Escape artist!

Wilson tries to escape his chair after lunch, forgetting that he can no longer walk without two people holding him in the front & back…and even then for only a few steps. But he is still just as stubborn as he’s always been!

The Demon lives!

The Artist, Bryan Erik Baines made these shirts in a limited edition,to benefit Wilson’s SpecialNeedsTrust.

They just went up for sale Sunday Feb.2, 2020, and are selling like hot cakes. So place your orders! Type in the address shown in the ad, as I’m NOT the person selling them! They’re soft, 100% cotton, White only, sizes S – XXXL.

Thank you, Bryan, for doing this for Wilson, and for doing such a great job. ❤️